Kicked to the curb!

Remember freakin' "KC and the Sunshine Band" Ken, the dancin' fairy? Yeah...this guy.



Well, I went to live wit' him at his house 'cause I had no other place to go, bein' dead and all. Things were cool for a while...But nothin' could of prepared me for what I was 'bout to see...



After doin' him the favor of running some of his errands I walk into this here. I was like, "WTF is KC and the Sunshine Band" Ken, the dancin' fairy doin' now? Why is he playin' guitar hero wit' that ugly muthafucka?



Well, of course he didn't hear me or see me wit' that loud poor excuse for music goin'. So I shot a few rounds into that ugly silver shoe that lizard lookin' mofo had on.



That pissed KC and the Sunshine Band" Ken, the dancin' fairy off, not to mention his bitch, the queen of batshit and freaky...



I was like, "When I yank up my gun, don't yo' mouth off to me, ya fool from hell"



Well, after we got rid of that no talent, lizard tongued, drama queen, KC and the Sunshine Band" Ken, the dancin' fairy was like, "This ain't Saigon, BITCH! When yo' was gone David Lee Roth moved in.. yeah, thee David Lee Roth..so, it's .time for yo to pack your shit and hit the road, Jack"

I was like, "Davey who? Damn! I was gone all a 10 minutes and..."



But before I could get a word in, Davey the roommate comes spinnin' in like a ballerina on roids...



So, dizzy from that spinnin' barbie doll, I thought I'd better go before I shoot "KC and the Sunshine Band" Ken, the dancin' fairy and Malibu Barbie to hell.
Strollin' out, I thought I'd take one last peak...

..and what greets my eyez .......but Mr. Twirly in assless freakin' chaps...

The Devil's Bride.

Ahhhh! It's the Barbie Doll ghost!
You promised me, no more barbie doll ghosts!



Aw, don't pay no attention to him....
See, he's fine now. He's bi-polar and he thinks he's Jesus. One minute he's crying over a lost bug and the next minute he's stomping one...let me get him back to his cage...uh, I mean his home before he starts cryin' again.



Mofo, didn't I teach you not to cry when you see a ghost? You see, your sad-assed, salty tears don't make Casper go away...that's what we have these salt guns for...OK Sammy? Now, man up, Drama Queen or I'll bury your ass!



Excuse me? Was you saying somethin'?
You so can't tell me what to do. I'm free to be...Marlo said so.



Bitch, did I stutter before?
Obviously Marlo didn't know you, now did she? Only a complete moron would play "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" while hunting down the Devil's bride



That's it. It's time to bury your pansy ass...
And don’t give me that sad-assed puppy dog look...it won't work with me. It's a dog-eat-dog world and this dog's hungry.



Ahh..it's you! But I left you for dead!!!
Wait! What?!? The devil's name is really Ken? And you're Ken?? Me... Barbie?? Oh..hell noooo! I ain't nobody's bride!


I'm so in Hell.
And what do I get for all my hard work? Freakin' "KC and the Sunshine Band" Ken, the dancin' fairy! And yeah, complete with the "ken doll" bump and all. Hello? GI Joe, anyone?

Shut up Skipper, before you end up a decapitated barbie doll soaking in the drool of hell hounds!!

This Ain't Chucky Cheese.

How it all began:

This dude-- yeah, the one below who thinks he's a snake -- sneaks up on stage where I'm at.



Then, he just stands up and starts starin' at me. Yep, that's him...where my finger's pointin'



I mean, doesn't he see I'm trying to entertain y'all? Uh...microphone...stage...tall, dark and handsome up here...

Anyway, at first, I tried to be polite 'cause that's what my ma taught me.




mmmhmmm, that's me, trying to be polite, but...



but enough's enough...

Yo buddy...take a picture...it'll last longer.




OK...well, he didn't get the message, so after I put back on my coat and hat... I decided to sit down and chat 'cause I'm a nice guy like that.




....even gave him his own microphone. but damn...he kept on starin'. So, I did my face like this:


but did that deter him? Hell to the noooooo...

He just gave me this. As you can see, I tried to be polite just like Ma taught me...I hate you Ma...and then I just snapped ...





"This ain't Chuck E. Cheese, ya know! Maybe you're lost or something. Where's your keeper?




OK...you tell me, is this dude too precious for this world or what? WTF?




Well, my Pa taught me to walk a mile in a camel's shoes before drownin' him in a well...and I guess that's only fair.




Then I realized, he's kinda cute...kinda funny too...



Ahhhh...then I realized I'm hot as hell! I guess it's safe...maybe I'll take off this hat...



Trying very hard not to cry here, but he took my hat...see Pa, walk that mile and they rob ya blind.



Aaaahhhhhhh...so much better! Thanks man! What? I'm puttin' them in the wrong pockets?



Wow! Can you believe this guy? He even comes equipped with his own icepacks and is an expert in strategic placement...





************************************************

Church lady here: The following image does NOT mean Jensen was checking out Jared's ass, even if he really was, j/k. Notice the blur; this means he was turning his head and camera froze his head in motion (Jared can probably do that too....J/K). I learned this while watching an episode of Frasier. At the split second I paused the DVD, the image captured made it appear as if Frasier was playing with himself...nothing like that was happening, I can assure you, just like I can assure that Jensen is surely turning his head to respond to a fan, and some perverted camera caught this image.

**************************************************


I can't hear very well...did you just say there's a corn farmer behind me? Huh?




Anyone here have a gun? Nah...just kiddin'.




What's that dude? You want some chicken?




Chicken? Is he kidding? That's it...time for the well...ring the scary horror psycho alarm.

Pussy...it's not for everyone.

Tony Soprano: Uncle Junior and I, we had our problems with the Business. But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.



FLASHBACK:



Carmela Soprano: Let's just say your uncle has acquired quite a *taste* for her.
Tony Soprano: Uncle Jun gives head?
Carmela Soprano: World class.
Tony Soprano: The old man's whistling through the wheat field?
Carmela Soprano: Don't be disgusting!
Tony Soprano: Oh, he's a Bushman of the Kalahari! [laughs]
Carmela Soprano: laughs] That's why I don't tell you anything 'cause you don't know when to stop!
Tony Soprano: Oh my God, if this ever gets out.
Carmela Soprano: Oh yeah, like you don't do it or any of your friends. Bunch of hypocrites.
Tony Soprano: Hey, what goes on in this bedroom stays here and you know that.
Carmela Soprano: Once a year? I can resist the urge to gossip.



Tony Soprano: Uncle Jun, how was Boca?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Wonderful. I don't go down enough.
Carmela Soprano: That's not what I heard.



[Tony, Junior, Silvio and Mikey are playing golf]
Tony Soprano: Uncle Jun's in the muff.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: What?
Tony Soprano: Oh, did I say "muff"? I meant "rough". [sniffs]
Tony Soprano: What's that smell? Did you guys go to a sushi bar? Jun. What are you doin' eatin' sushi? Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: You fuckin' run off at the mouth, you know that?
Tony Soprano: [sings] South of the border, down Mexico Way.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Hey listen, my friend. At least I can deal with my own problems. Unlike some I know.
Tony Soprano: What's that supposed to mean?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Take it however you want. Don't bullshit with me.
Silvio Dante: Hey guys, guys. We're here to play golf or what? C'mon.
Tony Soprano: [sings] South of the border where the tuna fish play.

Not without muh boy.

Yeah, muh book sold off the charts thanks to muh boy. So, I decided I'm takin' him wit' me when I travel to the Mid East to research my next book: Under the Burka By: Me.

'Xcept it won't be me floatin' that fashion disaster...I'd melt sure as that coffee-drinkin' witch in that movie about those midgets did. Nope...it'll be whats-his-face under there. Just gotta convince him is all.

Here's the thing, whats-his-face gets jealous...real jealous, like those two step-sisters in that fairytale about the prince who wears glass slippers. So I got this idea...I decided to take this here dude wit' me shootin' Only he couldn't shoot the side of a barn until he could. Yeah...so when he finally hit somethin', I said, real loud, so whats-his-face could hear,

"Well, sub-divide me and kentucky-fry me! Never thought a cross-eyed critter like you could hit the bull's eye like you did. Too bad the eye you shot out was yo mama's!!"




Yeah so he shot his po' mama here...shot her eye completely out her head. She kept doin' like this the whole time he was shootin'...I think I would've shot her too...





Well, as you can see here, muh boy got real worked up. Whats-his-face was like, "Listen here muthafucka..that burka's mine! Don't let me catch you flutterin' by wearin' what's mine...ya hear me?!?"





But I had to be sure. So I invited that dude, wit' the now half-blind mama over, and timed it so that whats-his-face would be sure to catch him tryin' on burkas, but he walked in before I even got the burkas out, and man was muh boy pissed!





Yeah, so it's not enough that muh boy already set me on fuckin' fire, he comes at me again, like one of those wicked step-sisters on roids, and slices up the same arm he torched. I was like, "Yo Drizella..When I hit you in yo head you gonna drop like your ball's on...





But right as I was about to bury muh boy like a bone, his fruity-assed purse dog wit' wings comes flyin' in to the rescue. Yeah, the one that he said God's angels gave him....WTF?!?





And not two seconds lata' Drizi's (that's what I now call him now) two angels come ridin' through in some fairy carriage. The one on the left, J. Edgar Somethin' or other, warns me that he's been promoted to head the GBI... and that I'd better watch my step, and then vanished...




Well I heeded that warnin', but he don't scare me 'cause I'm strong like that. So, it took some doin' but strong as I am I finally got Drizzi on the plane to come wit' me....




And damn what a journey it was. Drizzi was the bell of the balls in that middle eastern town, but I vowed to protect his ass no matter what. I'm not scared or nothin' but I didn't want Little Bits the fruity-assed purse dog wit' wings to call back them angels in the fairy carriage, 'cause that would be the end of my bits...and they ain't so little.. So I vowed to return...not without muh boy.