Not without muh boy.

Yeah, muh book sold off the charts thanks to muh boy. So, I decided I'm takin' him wit' me when I travel to the Mid East to research my next book: Under the Burka By: Me.

'Xcept it won't be me floatin' that fashion disaster...I'd melt sure as that coffee-drinkin' witch in that movie about those midgets did. Nope...it'll be whats-his-face under there. Just gotta convince him is all.

Here's the thing, whats-his-face gets jealous...real jealous, like those two step-sisters in that fairytale about the prince who wears glass slippers. So I got this idea...I decided to take this here dude wit' me shootin' Only he couldn't shoot the side of a barn until he could. Yeah...so when he finally hit somethin', I said, real loud, so whats-his-face could hear,

"Well, sub-divide me and kentucky-fry me! Never thought a cross-eyed critter like you could hit the bull's eye like you did. Too bad the eye you shot out was yo mama's!!"




Yeah so he shot his po' mama here...shot her eye completely out her head. She kept doin' like this the whole time he was shootin'...I think I would've shot her too...





Well, as you can see here, muh boy got real worked up. Whats-his-face was like, "Listen here muthafucka..that burka's mine! Don't let me catch you flutterin' by wearin' what's mine...ya hear me?!?"





But I had to be sure. So I invited that dude, wit' the now half-blind mama over, and timed it so that whats-his-face would be sure to catch him tryin' on burkas, but he walked in before I even got the burkas out, and man was muh boy pissed!





Yeah, so it's not enough that muh boy already set me on fuckin' fire, he comes at me again, like one of those wicked step-sisters on roids, and slices up the same arm he torched. I was like, "Yo Drizella..When I hit you in yo head you gonna drop like your ball's on...





But right as I was about to bury muh boy like a bone, his fruity-assed purse dog wit' wings comes flyin' in to the rescue. Yeah, the one that he said God's angels gave him....WTF?!?





And not two seconds lata' Drizi's (that's what I now call him now) two angels come ridin' through in some fairy carriage. The one on the left, J. Edgar Somethin' or other, warns me that he's been promoted to head the GBI... and that I'd better watch my step, and then vanished...




Well I heeded that warnin', but he don't scare me 'cause I'm strong like that. So, it took some doin' but strong as I am I finally got Drizzi on the plane to come wit' me....




And damn what a journey it was. Drizzi was the bell of the balls in that middle eastern town, but I vowed to protect his ass no matter what. I'm not scared or nothin' but I didn't want Little Bits the fruity-assed purse dog wit' wings to call back them angels in the fairy carriage, 'cause that would be the end of my bits...and they ain't so little.. So I vowed to return...not without muh boy.

Snapshots of Heaven

So, one day I'm gettin ready to pick up hot-butta-girl...that girl I dumped for whats-his-face, but took back 'cause I missed her toast...and right as I'm ready to leave, whats-his-face busts through the door and sets me on fuckin' fire.



I'm like, "WTF! That's my arm, yo flamin' MOFO!   I'll kill yo' bitch ass!!"




Yeah muh boy's one crazy-assed mofo. So, I'm like, "WTF's wit' you muthafucka?"




So, he whips out this snapshot of himself upon entering the place of the Almighty and proceeds to tell me that that short couple he's about to walk in front of is God...or that one's God and the other's a drag-dyke for God




So now I'm sweatin' like a whore in church on Sunday. "WTF?!? Which one's the covert carpet muncher and wtf does God need one of those for?."

So, he tells me he thinks that the lady there is God and that the guy, her husband, is the 'bearded' bull-dyke.. Before he could go any further, and very sorry I asked any questions...I'm like, "DUDE!  Yo's crazier than... "





Not lettin' me finish, and after lookin' at me like I lost my nuts...he whips out mo' snapshots of heaven...

He told me that this here guy was the welcoming committee (and here I thought that was St. Peter's job)  and that he welcomed him wit': "Hi, welcome to heaven...I'm Hudson-the-happy het."   Who says that shit?




And here's some more heavenly snapshots he witnessed and snapped...







 


...and before I could say a word...he whips out a few "before the pearly gates" snapshots ...















and wit' that last one...I lost it!  "Ahhhhhhhhh...OH GOD! My eyes! I'm blind... I'm fuckin' blind!"




Well, I recovered my eyes after a while...just to walk into this here...

him actin' like his accidentally dashing, irresistibly charming, disarmingly adorable self...wit' that bitch he claims is God. But this time, I wasn't havin' it....





Nah...I didn't send him to prison but I made him be muh 'xample of what could happen to ya if you don't buy my book...'specially now since I got  the inside scoop.

Oh yeah, I also found out Jesus is still in time out after 2,000 years for actin' a homo wit' hiz 12 husbands...


yep, but those two...God? Hell! I hope not.


 

So Many Bitches...So Little Time...

OK, do not do this here thing, around bitches yo don't want comin' at ya. Whats-his-name did that and now he's dead..that bitch dies like some people brush their teeth.



...but this here's my secret. that I learned from my favorite movie..

First, pose yo lower body so it's twistin' away. Then tilt one of yo' shoulders towards the camera like this, ....but make sure yo face is lookin' like mine here is..
Then pucker yo' lips; but don't close 'em up...make sure there's a little space in the middle...I fo'got to do that this time...
Then squint yo' eyes like there's a tornado comin' and sand is blowin' at yo ass. Then breathe in and hold it to make your chest look like yo work out. I don't need to do that trick 'cause I work out. I'm strong like that.
Then loook outchu eyes...this here will make your eyes look like yo just went bowling, but don't turn left.



Yeah, so this here's the result.



Yikes! That bitch be crazzyyyy, yo!!!

Happy Birthday Chuckie!

OK, so today's my great grandfather's (6/5/1898) 111th birthday. RIP Chuckie (that's what I called him 'cause Charles was his name and he said those Grandpa names made him feel old) So, yeah, that's him, right before he died. He was smokin' wasn't he, for 90-years old...I miss him lots.





So anyways, while I'm here tryin'to organize all the people (I kinda resemble Chuckie, don't I? He has a better tan is all, but we both gots rock hard bodies, amongst other things) at Chuckie's birthday party... that's when...





guess who shows up? That's right, What's his name? He's got great timing...NOT!




So, I'm like  "WTF dude...who yo s'posed to be, lookin' all a fool like that?  Here, I waited all this time for your return, and I get this...this?! ?  and then I  'xcused myself to recover from the shock.  




When I returned I was still hot - but not like "freakin' HOT!!!,   no...hot like Bobby De Niro hot in Goodfellas when he's kickin' the shit outta that guy - so I was like,  "Bitch...here, lemme take care of that cock lookin' thang on the top of yo head and fill in those holes yo poked in yo' sad self."





Oh yeah, I put on my Canuks jersey for the kids. I'm on that team. Chuckie didn't like that too much. He called me a traita of some sort.   But, anyways, that's me, below when I was havin' a "Wally Moses" moment of confusion...I play baseball too, or is that run-the-bases...well, whateva..





Anyways, back to my story...

So What's his name turns to me and says, "Crippin hard no turn' back. Raise that "C" and hold it high forward, do or die. Spread yo wings, raise yo head, we are risin' from the dead".





Now, tell me, who says that?





So...I'm like, "yo. lemme get back to my rockin' party man. These people want to snap my hot self." Oh, and see that girl lookin' at me like I hung the frickin' moon...she replaced Ruby Red 'cause I was gettin' sick of havin' to butter my own toast.  This girl rocks muh world man!





Well, then  I'm sittin' there enjoyin' Chuckie's party, when this hot little number comes up to me (Blondie 'xcused herself to take a beauty break during this time and I chained up What's-his-name in front of a mirror hopin' he decides to take his own beauty break)  and tells me that she does a whole lot more than butter toast...so yeah, Blondie's history and What's-his-name is borderin' on brink.





Then it hit me!   "C"! That "C" that What's-his-name was talkin' 'bout, stands for Chuckie!
So I  told "hot butta girl" that we's ova' (she cried...wtf) and I went to unchain "What's-his-name" so he could join "C"'s rockin' party.  I was goin' to try to ignore the holes and cock comb on top of his head. I guess I was bein' supaficial.

Well, I go to turn around, and there he is...lookin' back to his beautiful self!  He unchained himself wit' his special power he's got now, and even joined the Canuks.  It was a quantum moment I'll neva fo'get.

He's back Jack.

No, not him. But yep, he came back too. Took care of him, 'cause I'm strong like that....



"Yo cha-chee...back the freak up! Just cuz yo bitch ain't givin' yo nuthin' don't mean you gotta act a fool round us, so get da fuck otta here or 'else you gonna catch a brick!"

Anyways, not to make a short story long or nothin' but I been prayin' for Whatchamacalit to come back to me.

I ain't too religious but ya know what they say 'bout when ya got yo ass in a hole.

I 'specially like that Judas dude...one of Big Daddy's Twelve...ya know. Judas was there wit' Big Daddy at his time, and he came down from his tree, and wit' him was two fruits, from that tree, and he said "Big Daddy, I have found these two fruits, which is possessed by two demons. Whut should I do to get rid of them demons?"

But Big Daddy didn't respond, so Judas kissed him.

And then Big Daddy looked at Judas and said to him, "Nobody messes wit Big Daddy, yo." And then Big Daddy wept. And when He was done, He stood high among his Twelve, cryin' out, "Remember this Judas dude for all generations." He had a way with his words, didn't he? Anyways, after he said that, there was some great moment of silence.

And then Peter said to Him, "Big Daddy, what should we remember about him?"

And Big Daddy said, "Peter, ya already forgot?!? Didn't I tell ya that y'all would forget three times after the cock crows? So, I ain't tellin' ya...y'all have to figure it out for yo selves."

And Peter replied, "Whut in the hell does that mean?"

And Big Daddy gave Peter one of those looks like..."back the fuck up mothafucka!" And Peter did.

Oh...this here's my big daddy, the one spelt wit' lower case letters...



Yeah, he got one of them purse dogs from Whatchamacalit. as a parting gift. He left us all parting gifts...somehow he knew his time was up and that's what we got...lameass purse dogs!!



Here's the one he gave me. I carried it for like one day to make him feel good but only 'cause I felt guilty after what I tried to do to him when he first gave it to me...






After yellin' "Betta cancel Christmas muthafucka!" THIS here's what I tried to do...but throwin' someone into traffic when there is none don't do no good. Yeah, he lived, just to be taken to that great big invisible pink unicorn in the sky, by that psycho muthafucka Jack something or other. And no, that ain't where I'm goin' when my time's up...just him.

So, after psychokilla butchered my boy, that paris hilton purse poodle disappeared somewhere ova the rainbow, where all those little purse mutts go.




I mean...this here's one of my dawgs...the other dawg's even bigger. ..yeah, thhe work out too. Mah dawgs would kick that little purse poodle's ass. What the hell was What's his name thinkin'? He's seen mah dawgs plenty.







Anyways back to the short story I'm makin' long. So yeah, here's me prayin' for What's his name's return. But I added..."Please...please no mo' purse poodles, or green sparkly glitter, or crisp apple streudels, and especially no mo' movies 'bout mamas who makes their kids wear drapes. I'm strong, but not that strong anymore to put up wit' that shit."







I even found this necklace lookin' thing with a cross so I thought maybe Big Daddy was messagin' me something from his fly-ass crib up yonder.







After prayin' for like foreva, one night, my lady's like, “hey baby, let’s do it ! ” I was butterin' my toast, and she was so stoked man. How could I say no? This here's muh Ruby Red.. She makes me the best toast even tho she don't bother butterin' it for me...Whatsmacalit buttered my toast.

I found her after What's his name went to meet the Invisible Pink Unicorn (IPU) in the sky. She just popped up outta nowhere when I was prayin'.

But as we're just startin' to smoke...I hear Whatchamacalit's voice comin' from the TV. I look up and there he is...

.


He's on some late night show actin' all like a bitch and I'm like, this mofo's is trippin "What the hell did those IPUs send back to me?"


I turned to Ruby Red and said, "Mah boy's come back but he's a bitch!" But then I thought maybe mah prayers have been answered and he'll fo'get about that stupid movie he loves so much, sparkles, glitter and all that pansy shit...

Well that's all for now...Next up our reunion.